wow bad idea.....
Mood:  loud
Now Playing: nothing
unfortunately i have had to leave my home because kel and i broke up. now... thinking this was a good idea since we all know how wonderful living with your ex is. iv been gone a couple of days (temp shaking up w my best friend) although it s been great i miss my home and my things.

i come home today about 12noon and kels not awake yet but she hears me come in the door. she comes out of the bedroom looking sexy as usual. nothing but a "wife-beater" on and a thong. (YUM) but!!! her and i have been doing very well with boundaries. when i am at home we sleep apart and no more physical affection( unless of course we are having a break down)

anyway... so she wakes up ... I'm in a good mood, glad to be here because i can get some work done, even though it still makes me a little anxious.

everything was fine until after dinner she asked me to sit with her in the living room so i oblige her.

we watch TV, I'm checking my cell phone and she turnes around and startes talking about our relationship woes.

okay....so i listen at first thinking maybe she just has some things to get off her chest but apparently she is still angry. PISSED is a more appropriate word to describe the "she-devil" i saw tonight. thank the lord she had to go to work or i would have been going to jail.


needless to say kel and i had a bad few hours. I have decided that i will only come home when she s not here (if possible) and she agrees.

guess its time to start house hunting!!

goodnight lesbian universe. bethie

I had a dream that i finally married her.
Mood:  cheeky
Now Playing: green and root.
this song was played on a acoustic guitar by a beautiful woman who sang this song to her and i as if it was written for us.

i recognized it from a album that a acquaintance of mine wrote. her name is green. and her wife is named root. (no kidding) and they are so much in love..... any way here are the words to this love song.


Marrying You

Marrying you is like finding the perfect pair of shoes
And hoping they’ll fit forever
Marrying you is believing that everyday I’ll wake up in white sheets
Warmed beyond my own cocoon of blood and bone

Marrying you is scary; it’s lucky and confusing

Marrying you is building this house of wax and wood,
Color and quiet, hope and holy
Marrying you is something I’ve never done before and
Hope to never do again, at least not with anyone else

Marrying you is one of the most exciting things I’ve ever done

I get to wear the most beautiful dress
I hope our friends and family love us as we love them
I hope they come, I hope they have fun
Cause this day is for everyone

Marrying you if full of to do lists and appointments
It’s a massive river we’re swimming in, sometimes drowning in
Marrying you is floating judgment off our backs on to the shore
Hoping it dozen’t slap some other pair as they float by

The straight people say…
“Huh, two women getting married, how unusual.”
And the gay people say…
“Why do you want to imitate straight culture anyway?”

If they tell me that I’m brainwashed, I’ll say it’s washed alright

With so much warmth, I couldn’t stay cold
So much comfort, I couldn’t stay alone
So much love I just couldn’t say no.

? Green Huse, all rights reserved
please do yourself a favore and listin to a sample of this song and if your smart and music speaks to your very soul, and the girls music you can dig go to green and root

make sure to go to the link i provided and listin to some of her music. greens mother died a couple of years ago from cancer and a album resulted from her pain and journey saying good bye to her mother.


last but not least....wondering who the woman is i married.....well, that s for me to know and you to find out. haha. thanks for reading. good night

visiting my home...my first overnight....re enchantment
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: march of the penguins
well- its a cold December night and here i am back in my home but still asking permission to use the bathroom. (silly, i know)

iv been gone since Monday night and felt the sting of insecurity as i claimed my spot on the couch.

my absent lover has been good to me during our , (if only i could of got this much cooperation while we were IN our relationship?) ha ha just a little ex-humor.

she was cold at first site, as we took a ride in her car i could feel her heart burning from my side of the car. it was pulling and tugging at mine. both of us so stubborn to let it out. any other person i would reach over and hug or kiss on the cheek, but this time there was nothing... both of us thinking...'gotta keep the bounderies clear, just remember its for our future...'

" i got you something!" she said with her beautiful smile. the woke my soul, and i started to feel it raise... not because of the present itself, but that she still is invested in me. I know how selfish that is.... she stood by her word... she kept her promise so far... i prayed she would.

(you didnt let me down. and for that i thank you.)

we decided to watch a movie about love. yes it was PENGUIN LOVE, but still love. heart wrenching, tear-jerking chic flick from hell. baby penguins are officially the cutest thing iv ever seen. (until my child is born that is )

so after the film is past its second hour i finally relax and enjoy the sugar buzz from all the chocolate she gave me. ( i think its a trap!)
okay so the chocolate was sugerfree because a 'diabetical' as Madia would say, but buzzing none the less. might be the grape juice (KOOL-AID for the white folks) or the pretty young thing in the same room as me.

as the movie ends and she puts the special feature on without me asking or pouting, reminded what kept us together so long.......



what! you think going to tell you... figure it out yourself. (evil laugh)

well going to retire on the couch with my stack of mail, and my usual tub of ice water for the cotton mouth that haunts me from the bin.



i love you still..... bethie

GASOLINE
Mood:  on fire
Now Playing: JAN ARDEN
HOLD OUT YOUR HEART AND ON IT LET THE SUNSHINE DOWN.
OPEN YOUR MIND AND THROUGH IT LET THE WISDOM POUR.
GIVE ME YOUR WORD AND I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY TRUST.
GIVE ME A SIGN AND I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY LOVE.
(hold out your heart)

THEIR'S DIRT IN MY MOUTH FROM KISSING WHO I SHOULD NOT DARE.
THERE'S MUD COMING OUT WITH EVERY RIP AND EVERY TEAR.
THIS THING BENEATH MY RIBS WILL BEAT ME TO THE GROUND.
I'VE GOT TO HOLD OUT MY HEART, ON IT LET THE SUN SHINE DOWN.
(got to hold out my heart)
THE SUN SHINE DOWN.

MY GUILTY SKIN LIKE GASOLINE IS BURNING OUT A HOLE IN ME,MY GUILTY HEART LIES HERE IN RUIN... IN RUIN

NOBODY KNOWS ME,NO ONE WILL EVER SEE,
THE DISTANCE BETWEEN WHAT IS AND WHAT WILL NEVER BE.

A BIRD WILL BREAK HIS WINGS,
LIKE A HEART WILL CUT HER STRINGS
AND THERE ISN'T ANYTHING TO COMFORT ME.
(hold out your heart)


gasoline.

wheres my head at?
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: dierks bentley
can i find myself or her for that matter. she does not realize we are jointed. one piece of a greater puzzle. like if you lost the other part...the picture will never be unimpaired.

in one breath she claims her lovely prize with her dexterous wit and gaze but oh my grandiose angel. i grieve and mourn with every rip and tear that you cause with the deception. you act as if you are blind to my wounds. as if tending to my brokenness and blood, you to may feel this ache. so you run scared ... you stay away until... there is nothing left of your grief-stricken soul cage. she nor i will be able to fill your eminent avarice.

why
Mood:  sharp
Now Playing: anne linox
how could you lie so much about so much! tessa told me in a panic of course that you beat aaron, some talk of a restraining order, you have not paid her rent or helped her finacially, obviously the girls on the web are not you ........why such nonsence eli, why would you put your friends and i threw that?

numbness
Mood:  accident prone
I'm being tested lord. you send this woman into my life and send us on this reckless journey that resulted in all this confusion and hurt.

i feel better about kelly feelings because she was proven right, that seems to very important to her(shes 22)and this allowed her to be protective over tes and i. good sign though kel is working threw her anger management and she did well last night when tes confronted Libby.

i feel embarrassed and hurt for tessa. even disappointed. even though i had feeling to work threw for Libby i know tessa had been swept away by the idea of eli. unfortunately the idea of eli we knew is scewed. tessa is scared and mad at herself because she is reminiscent of her and abby.

i feel numb about Libby. i dont even have the words for.... i knew she needed to deal with suz and tessa before she could even dream of getting acquainted and loving me the way she dreams of. but now there is so much more that my heart always knew but to hear all these things fall from the girl s's's mouth I'm stunned. i do see you Libby, just as you said, but you had or have an opportunity to make things right. every day you have a choice.... please make the right one. you could be the hero (for real) this time. i pitty you ...im not angry, just want to hold you accountable. if you wanted to protect and foster those feelings that poured out of you since we met, you would do the right thing for you me and everyone involved. mabey you dont even know what is right anymore. you have no idea what you are doing do you? you say "im in control, i know what i want, im grown..."
i know better libby.

i know part of our connection was you did not have to hide from me and you longed to tell me the truth. that was the agony you spoke of when you were around me. i still can believe all this has come to pass. so much hurt on all parts. libby, there are many oppertuities to lie and manipulate this situation. i pray you will be heroic, be a champion for your own sanity and heart. and for us. we reached out to you last night threw the hurt feelings and you reached back. i know we are what is safe to you but you just dont have the coping skills to fix this mess. ask for help and humble yourself and your pride. would you rather be "right" all the time or have people around you who love you ...even with your flaws. i miss you still. and i hate that.

well Eli, you've been found out. Kelly is moving to Arizona. Tessa and Kelly's friendship is now tainted and you still claim to love me. but yet you still live under her roof. shes young still and is now crushed. you panic. you cant cover it now. i reached out to you and that had nothing to do with your place in this world ( wherever that may be). like i whispered to you Libby,"there are a million ways to lack courage, wheather you are rich or poor, and just as many ways to be heroic." you know that now. its your chance.

im asking you to show me how
Mood:  cool
Now Playing: kim hill
i was born to fall in love with you, you re the one i'v waited for.
Lord i want to fall in love with you, show me how to love you more.
Daily i discover you and daily you amaze me, the wonder of you takes my breath away.
Daily im reminded of how much you gave to love me, and in return i long to give you more and more of me.

i have waited so long...

i am ready for love, why are you hiding from me?

oh libby (tiss tiss)
Mood:  blue
Now Playing: musak hee hee
good lord you lesbian! what were you thinking? i cant believe you caused yourself such misery. when she carried you away. where did you think she was going to take you? (sigh)


Okay...so you fell in love with a stranger. you are not slick! Libby isn't either..

I'm so tired, i cant sleep.
I feel as if my soul...

I feel as if the sun wont rise for sometime on my heart. This is a deep, deep winter in my soul. I draw myself idly as I lie in bed with my ink pen. I imagine her small flowery wreaths that will encircle my navel-entangled in my belly ring. my garden, my springtime. me.

There is this breath with a name like mine. I hear it everywhere filling each lung with single voice and guitar. more than meets the eye, more than possessions...this is my home.